WTF World.........

Today K and I went back to the doctor's office for another ultrasound to see if everything looked OK after we induced the miscarriage. K and I both had a bad feeling because K is still nauseous. It's what we had thought, she was still pregnant. Basically she has been walking around with a dead fetus. Sorry for being so graphic but I'm so pissed off at the universe right now I just want to scream! How much more shit can two people go through? So now K has to go through what we were trying to avoid which is a D&C. We would of done it for tomorrow but I rented a penthouse suite in downtown Seattle so we could just get away for a night. I just want her to relax with a nice dinner and a jacuzzi bath. Monday will be the day. We are both taking off Monday and Tuesday. 

To top things off K had to bring her truck in this morning to get repaired and we found out it's going to cost $2300. GREAT!  I think her father is going to help us with that.

Tomorrow would of been my father's 72nd birthday. He passed away 2 years ago from a rare type of cancer. He only lived 3 moths after they diagnosed him. He was more than my father, he was my best-friend.
Yup, I'm done bitching.......thanks for listening :-)

Heart breaking

Tuesday was one of the worst days in my life.  I woke up with an excitement and yet nervousness of going to the OB appointment.  When the nurse ut the ultrasound on K's belly the screen was very fuzzy but through it we saw little squishy. Mind you I was video taping this momentous occasion. The nurse had this concerned look on her face then told us she needed to call the doctor on-call. At that point all the blood rushed out of my face and I started to shake. There was no heartbeat. To be sure she had us go across the way to a different imaging place that had better equipment just to be sure. Still no heartbeat. It was growing as we hoped but in the days before it just .......it just stopped living. We were and still are devastated. Never did I once think this would happen to us. Maybe that was naive on my part but I had hoped that the universe was being kind to us by giving us a child we have both wanted for so long. So many thoughts go through your head, like did my telling people jinx this? K keeps telling me there is no such thing and that things like this just happen. But why did it have to happen to us? It's not like we are your average straight couple that can screw a lot to have a child. no, we have to through a huge process. K has to start meds again, we have to shell out the large amount of money to inseminate. Im going through the stages of grief and right now i'm fucking pissed off.  Not sure at who or at what.
 The doctor was so very kind and told us she was so very sorry and that this is more common than we think. 1 out of 3 women miscarry and it is never known why. She did say that K will be very fertile from this and encouraged us not to give up. I am so amazed of how strong K has been through this. Me on the other hand fell apart.  You see last year I tried to get pregnant at the age of 40. we tried 2 at home inseminations. When that didn't work we went to a fertility clinic to make sure all my parts were working. My hormones looked good for my age but it appeared that there was not enough eggs left for me to have a child. Great, here I am FINALLY at a place in my life to have children and I find out my eggs are all dried up.  Yeah that sucked ass. the next logical step was for K to get pregnant. She is 33 and healthy. Well we are going to try this again. We just need to wait for K's cycle to start up again. This will not beat us damn it.  Ok i'm done ranting....

anxiously waiting for tomorrow..............

Tomorrow we go to the first OB appointment.  I'm super excited to see a picture of squishy again but I'm also scared.  Optimism is not one of my strong points. That's my wife's job. The hope is they will tell us that squishy is right where it's supposed to be and we have nothing to worry about. Let's just say we are all happier that I'm on meds. because if I wasn't right now...oh boy.  Not good. K has this way of grounding me and calming me down.

K is getting more and more tired.  I tried to get her to go for a walk with me but since the last ultrasound she is afraid to do anything remotely strenuous.  She did clean up the house though. Even if it was because she felt a little guilty for being so tired. It's hard to watch because there is nothing I can do except let her rest and sleep. 

She has been getting cravings of teriyaki chicken and toast.  Much better than my mothers, blood pudding. Yup, you read that right. It's a type of sausage made by cooking blood or dried blood with a filler until it is thick enough to congeal when cooled .Apparently she used to make it in Norway. Don't worry not going into details of that one.

Do they know??

I swear our animals know she is pregnant. Ever since we found out they are constantly laying on her. And the little brown one which is my dog is usually so far up my ass that it drives me crazy, but now look at her. They must know something.  K is at 7 weeks and 5 days today. So far she is constantly nauseous, but no puke yet so that's a good thing.  She usually starts falling asleep about 7:30, then I have to tell her to go to bed which she replies "no, I'm fine". Then I wait about another 30 minutes and watch her eyes slowly go shut then say, "honey why don't we watch TV upstairs".  That usually does it. I know if we lay there she will pass out in 15 minutes or less. Then the inevitable happens, she wakes up at least 3 times to pee. No wonder she is always tired.  Pregnancy is not for the faint of heart. That is why I'm glad it's K and not me. Don't get me wrong I would of loved to of had a child of my own. But I just don't think I would handle it as well as she is. There would be a lot of moaning and groaning and tons of bitching. So my job for the next 8 months is to make her as comfortable as I can and to take care of her. That is something I can do.

Time line......

Here is our time line in TTC:

• Nov 2009 J TTC at home ICI was a BFN
• Jan 2010 J TTC again and it was a BFN
• J took a break because we got married on June 12, 2010 (it was amazing!)
• July J decided to go to see a fertility specialist since she is 41yrs old. She was then told that she did not have an adequate amount of eggs left to get pregnant. 
• We decided that it was K's turn to try to get pregnant since she is 33yrs old and had more of a chance
• Nov K went to the fertility clinic, all her test were great went for out first IUI. It was a BFN
• Dec IUI and ICI at home BFN
• Jan IUI BFN
• Feb IUI and BFP!!!!!!!

When I was told that my eggs had basically dried up I was angry, hurt, confused and depressed.  There was this realization that I could either crawl back into bed and continue being depressed or be thankful of all the wonderful things I have in my life right now.  My wife, my house, my job , my family and my friends.

9 days until first OB appointment

So last week my wife and I went for our first ultrasound, she is 6 weeks 5 days,  with this fertility place we have been going to for the past year. They said they needed to confirm it as a "viable pregnancy". Those are two words no one wants to hear. My fears since we found out K was pregnant was "I hope she doesn't miscarry", well I think everyone has that fear, and my second was "oh god it could be twins, what do you do with twins, OMG OMG OMG"! That is just to put it lightly. Don't get me wrong we would have made it all work out and would be happy as hell but for first time parents one is more than enough. 
As the doctor enters the room she asks K how she feels and what her HSG numbers were. The doctors first reaction was that it might be twins.  I can't honestly say that my face went a tad pale and there was a feeling of ummmm panic?  As she continued with the ultrasound we found out it was just one little squishy. Heart beat was strong 133 but amniotic sac was on the small size, like a week behind.  I think we would of been OK with that news but then the not so nice doctor with shitty bedside manners continues to say something about a 15% chance of miscarriage and that we need to repeat the ultrasound in 2 weeks and if there was something more I don't know because I just stared at K and tuned it all out. In 9 days we will go for our first actual OB appointment and hope and pray that little squishy is growing the way it is supposed to be. This is going to be a LONG 8 months..