Thursday, March 24, 2011

Heart breaking

Tuesday was one of the worst days in my life.  I woke up with an excitement and yet nervousness of going to the OB appointment.  When the nurse ut the ultrasound on K's belly the screen was very fuzzy but through it we saw little squishy. Mind you I was video taping this momentous occasion. The nurse had this concerned look on her face then told us she needed to call the doctor on-call. At that point all the blood rushed out of my face and I started to shake. There was no heartbeat. To be sure she had us go across the way to a different imaging place that had better equipment just to be sure. Still no heartbeat. It was growing as we hoped but in the days before it just .......it just stopped living. We were and still are devastated. Never did I once think this would happen to us. Maybe that was naive on my part but I had hoped that the universe was being kind to us by giving us a child we have both wanted for so long. So many thoughts go through your head, like did my telling people jinx this? K keeps telling me there is no such thing and that things like this just happen. But why did it have to happen to us? It's not like we are your average straight couple that can screw a lot to have a child. no, we have to through a huge process. K has to start meds again, we have to shell out the large amount of money to inseminate. Im going through the stages of grief and right now i'm fucking pissed off.  Not sure at who or at what.
 The doctor was so very kind and told us she was so very sorry and that this is more common than we think. 1 out of 3 women miscarry and it is never known why. She did say that K will be very fertile from this and encouraged us not to give up. I am so amazed of how strong K has been through this. Me on the other hand fell apart.  You see last year I tried to get pregnant at the age of 40. we tried 2 at home inseminations. When that didn't work we went to a fertility clinic to make sure all my parts were working. My hormones looked good for my age but it appeared that there was not enough eggs left for me to have a child. Great, here I am FINALLY at a place in my life to have children and I find out my eggs are all dried up.  Yeah that sucked ass. the next logical step was for K to get pregnant. She is 33 and healthy. Well we are going to try this again. We just need to wait for K's cycle to start up again. This will not beat us damn it.  Ok i'm done ranting....

10 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry. It just sucks. Be as good to each other and as gentle with each other as you can. My prayers are with you.

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  2. I'm very sorry for your loss. Just because it happens frequently doesn't make it hurt any less.

    Here from LFCA

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  3. I am so sorry. A book that helped me through my loss is called About What Was Lost.

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  4. All those very same thoughts went thru my head as well. Most of all I was just numb with pain. I am so very sorry. Don't give up though.

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  5. Here from LFCA. I am so sorry for your loss.

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  6. I am so sorry ... keeping you both in my thoughts. *hug*

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  7. I'm so sorry. This is terrible and unfair. :(

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